G.I Joe The Movie: Coma my fragging ass

October is a time for horrors all around. Everyone online goes for a spooky theme for their accounts, all the scary movies come out, stores try and get a country to care about a holiday that doesn't work in the southern hemisphere because of daylight savings, the usual stuff. Though the controversy surrounding it has been expected because the phone game market is a disaster of shovelware and glorified casinos, Transformers Earth Wars still has my interest, and recently they announced the next batch of characters to come to the game. With the timing, you would think that we'd get some horror-themed characters or a scary story event. Monsterbots maybe? What about some more beast wars characters due to how many people are afraid of bugs? Pull from the darker side of Transformers with some truly terrifying villains like the Decepticon Justice Division? What about scaring everyone by including more movieverse characters that acknowledge they're from the Bay movies other then Barricade? Or how about Duke and Cobra Commander from G.I Joe... wait what?

Yes, it turns out that the next batch of characters is a G.I Joe crossover, and after seeing the trailer, it did get me in the mood to dig further into it, mostly because G.I Joe hasn't really been a thing since the 80's, at least versions of it like the incarnation people remember. While it's lived on in comics, television endeavours haven't really gone anywhere, toys are nonexistent (at least outside of the US), and the live-action movies... are better saved for another time. So, let's see why they keep coming back and killing Transformers off for the sake of proving human superiority... Are we sure the Joes weren't the inspiration behind Sector 7 and the army in Bayformers?

In another case where it feels like the movie is a long episode of the show, the easiest way to sum up the movie is "it's an eco-terrorism plot". After joining up with a alien snake civilization that uses weapons made from biological materials and giant insects, Cobra plans to capture a Joe developed device that can wirelessly send power to machines, in order to power a series of space flowers that will release a spore that will turn any human on the planet into a mutant snake with low mental capacity, leaving Cobra to rule the planet. The Joes, "with a focus on a new batch of Joes", including Duke's half brother Falcon, must find a way to stop Cobra before it happens. It's extremely basic, but unlike something like the Transformers movie, this feels like it's a story thread from the show with a larger animation budget, mostly due to how many of the original run of GI Joe's episodes had 5 episodes to tell their stories. The story itself though is overall fine, but it doesn't feel any larger than the show.

One big part of that though comes from the similarities between it and the Transformers movie, in that it feels like they wanted to do a movie like the 86 film, but for the Joes. Kill off the characters not on shelves anymore, focus on the new team with the new vehicles and new threats. The only problem is that you barely spend any time with the new team. A large focus is on the older heroes and villains, and while Falcon gets the most of the screen time compared to... actually I don't even remember the rest of the names, his big moment was diminished due to the feedback from the Death of Optimus Prime, that's where the "Coma my fragging ass" comes from in the title. Duke was supposed to die, and being stabbed through the heart by a snake shape spear would do that, but a last minute change, only done through voice acting rather than reanimating footage, Duke falls into a coma. The only on screen death was the Cobra Commander, and even then that was more "I'm going insane so you'll never see me again!" It's these two factors that make the movie feel unfocused, and the lack of stakes makes it feel watered down compared to the Transformers movie.

The animation also looks uglier at times. The copy I was able to find (because finding anything related to GI Joe here is a pain at best), was very dark in terms of lighting and colour tones, which made a lot of the bright flashes from the guns very hard to watch at times. What would have helped is if the overall colour palette was brighter, as it would make the flares less obnoxious, same as how shining a light into your eyes is easier to do when in a brightly lit room, compared to a pitch-black room. The soundtrack is on par with the show as well, further adding to the "was this meant to be a movie, or just a part of the show" feel to the whole thing.

Coma nothing, that guy is straight up dead!

On the whole, while it wasn't bad, I find it very hard to remember anything about it, and probably won't watch it again after this. It never hooked me in, though the same can be said about the franchise as a whole. It's a shame because there are parts of it I do like, and going back to watching the show to get some context for the movie, parts of it have aged surprisingly well considering the political culture of the day, mostly by way of representation (I mean it took 2 years for a female Transformer to get attention, and the first toys of them didn't start showing up until Beast Wars). If I could get some help sourcing media from the other shows, I'd honestly be up for seeing how the series has evolved since the 80's incarnation, but the problem with a show with the subtitle of "A real American hero" is that finding it outside of America seems to be more of a hassle then it really should be.